Help Wanted:Healthy Me

Last year I got pretty into my health and fitness. It actually started before ExMutant and I split but it definitely continued and maybe even picked up after the split. Before we split I was training for a 5K and after the split, mostly I was motivated by a trip in early October to the Bahamas with my best friend. So I worked out at home a lot, using an exercise bike, some light weights, and the Iron Gym. I was really good about what I ate too. I got in pretty good shape I must say. I even got to the point I could do two pull-ups (don’t laugh!). And then after the Bahamas, I stopped everything. I didn’t care about what I was eating anymore and I sure as heck didn’t work out. That was over 9 months ago. I still can’t find the motivation to care again. I’ve gained back every single pound I’d lost and even added a couple to the mix. I feel like complete garbage all of the time, lethargic and irritable. In short, I’m miserable. But that just isn’t enough to make me stop the junky regimen and pick up the healthy habits.

I felt pretty good about myself when I was taking care of myself. I was getting compliments on the muscular tone of my body and my pants were all impossibly huge on me. Some people decried me as being too skinny but it’s just the way I’m naturally built and it doesn’t mesh well with a Latin culture. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to even begin and thinking about it just makes me feel so overwhelmed like I’m perched at the top of the mountain looking down at the blasted rock that rolled away from me. Plus, all of the things I like doing fitness-wise require me getting outside and that’s impossible with the kids and no one to watch them. And when I don’t have them? Forget it. I’m so wiped out all I can do is move from one couch to another to a bed to another bed stuffing my face with comfort food along the way– cheeseburgers, fries, and milkshakes are my absolute favorites these days.

I am by no means of the imagination, fat. I wear size 2 pants snugly and size 4 comfortably. But, I’m not healthy. I can feel it. I just don’t know how to get going again! The only thing I can think of right now is putting the Iron Gym back up in a door way so I constantly see it. I’m going to pull the weights out from behind the sofa and put them in my bedroom in a big empty corner I have. When I was working out constantly, all of my gear was out and ready. I’d do a pull up just to see if I could get closer to doing another one.

Usually when I go about doing something, I really get into it. I read up on it a lot and really dedicate time and energy to that. And maybe that’s what’s happened– the energy I had for it is being channeled into other things like financial health, career moves, and untangling the mess that became friendship and family relationships during the marriage and breakup. Suddenly I’m reminded of Chris’ recent post at Art of Non-Conformity regarding shutting down specific burners to achieve success in others. I just don’t feel like I have anything else to dedicate to my physical well-being right now and yet that deficiency is really wreaking havoc on the rest of me. There’s one more thing adding to my indecision and lack of motivation and this is a weird one.

I kinda like the way I look even though it’s not magazine-worthy. I feel like I actually have a womanly body if that makes any sense. I wouldn’t wear a bikini right now, but I don’t feel atrocious in a swimsuit– except for those spider veins on me thighs! I’m kind of torn. I’d like prettier arms, a nicer back, and a flatter stomach. But I don’t want to sacrifice my booty for instance. I actually have one and I like it! And the boys I’m drawn to all tend to like it too, go figure. I don’t know. I really feel confused. I need some help sorting everything out and getting started. I don’t want to be a fitness freak. I’m not interested in marathons. I really hate having to worry about every single thing that goes into my mouth, or doesn’t. But, I want to feel better.

I think this is one thing where if I can just figure out what to start with, small changes will be of tremendous value. But I can’t figure out one I’m drawn to. Even at my annual check up, the doctor told me I needed to drink more water and I haven’t been able to increase my daily water consumption at all– something that was simply not an issue for me while I was on my health kick. I’m thinking of my personal housekeeping program right now and I’m wondering if there’s just a way to tweak that into something health-oriented, I might have a chance at some measure of success, though not by any means mastery.

Any thoughts on this out there at all? Usually I’m such an all or nothing kind of gal it’s hard for me to figure out some sort of moderate road to something and yet I think that when it comes to fitness, that’s about the only level I’ll be able to realistically sustain throughout my life. Anyone out there find this middle road? Anyone ever find themselves in a similar rut? If so, what changes did you try? I’d love to hear from you.