I have a problem that I’m trying to work out. One my favorite ways to cope with a problem is to write it out. Not only does it let me think things through in a linear fashion, it also allows me to seek out information, and in the case of the blog it allows for input. This is one of those posts.
I think we can all agree it is incredibly easy to do things we want to do. If it’s challenging, we just really dig in and go for it.
We also know that if we are really struggling to achieve something we say we want, it more often than not turns out it isn’t something we really DO want, but more something we feel we SHOULD want for whatever reasons.
But what happens when you need to do something and you don’t want to? Oh we know things on small scales– all those unpleasant tasks we have to do. But if you need to make a long-term change and don’t want to? How do you go ahead and move it from the Need Column to the most powerful column of all– Need AND Want?
“Ok Mutant, what is going on?”
Right. So, I’ve written about the problems I have as Household Manager before. As the Family Manager in my family I am responsible for:
- Four schedules (three children and mine)
- One job/career
- Three meals for five people
- Cleanliness and maintenance of an automobile
- Cleanliness and maintenance of a house: Entry Foyer, living/dining room, converted garage playroom, kitchen, two storage closets, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, one backyard
- 14 Bills (that I can recall right now) and General Finances
- Four educations and available for assistance with a fifth
- A cat
- A tank of fish
- A gekco
- Clothe four people via laundry and clothing purchases as well as regular purges of outgrown and worn-out clothing and shoes
- Entertainment for five people
- Maintain the health and well-being four people via scheduled appointments and routine medications
- Nursing duties for four people during illness (not counting myself)
- Representative of the immediate family to the extended family
- And miscellaneous duties I can’t think of right now because — dead
I find this to be so overwhelming, I feel like it’s borderline impossible. As it is, I’m failing in most of, if not all of these duties. And it IS having detrimental effects. My kids were late to school yesterday and usually we cut it so close, Eldest has mentioned how uncomfortable it makes him. I forget important dates. I have very little idea of what exactly is going on in my kids’ classrooms. My finances are- well, they are unspeakable. I forget to schedule routine appointments. I forget to turn in important forms and papers. I am absolutely frantic in the kitchen and find it such a loathsome place to be. Things go missing. I am always stressed out running around trying to find this, that, or the other because I have no idea where I left it and I forgot to make sure I had it ready ahead of time and need it RIGHT NOW. Frustration runs high among all members of the family constantly. I don’t feel peaceful in my home. I feel overwhelmed when I go out. It’s just not a good state of being.
It needs to change. If it was just me, as it was for so very long, it wouldn’t need to change I don’t think. I don’t like lots of order. I don’t like lots of routines. I like to eat when I want, what I want. I like to do and don’t do as I please. Not washing clothes in a week presents me with an ADVENTURE in fashion!
But it isn’t just me. And so I have a need that conflicts with a want. And no matter how much brainwashing I have tried, it hasn’t worked.
I tell myself, “I want this because I want my kids to feel peace and order and stability and reliability.” But then again, I find those things so boring and what if my kids find ME so boring?
I tell myself, “I want this because I want to spend less time stressed and frantic and more time doing things I enjoy doing.” But I’ve always been sort of frantic and maybe I don’t really want to change that after all.
I tell myself, “I want this because when I have had things organized and structured, they have been less stressful and far more enjoyable.” But… maybe I don’t think I deserve to be less stressed or to enjoy things.
And so it is that I stare at this Need that I don’t Want. And it’s not something I Need to do once and get it over with. My favorite way of dealing with unpleasantness you know. This is something I need to do and need to keep doing for a very, very, very long time.
The way I see myself doesn’t jibe, in my head, with the changes I need to make. I don’t like the words schedule, budget, plan, list, calendar, organize, routine, or structure.
I feel like I’m coming across as a really immature kid right now.
Maybe I am.
Regardless, the fact remains I need to change my day to day habits. I need to create helpful routines and habits in my family management style. I need to implement some type of structure. And I just don’t want to.
This whole thing is like the Dentist. I hate the dentist. I hate, hate, hate going to the damn dentist. It hurts, it makes horrible sounds, it tastes terrible, and I always get at least one scolding. And I have to go. And I have gone but maintaining a healthy smile regiment? Nope.
And so the same thing with my Family Management duties. I try and implement some new thing and I keep it up, sometimes for a few months even, and it makes me really happy and starts taking away stress and everything and then…
And we’re back to the same old, same old.
Is it a lack of willpower? Is it immaturity? Is it selfishness? Is it a lack of energy? Is it a lack of knowledge? Is it that I’m looking at things wrong? I have no idea. And I have no idea how to fix it. Not even a little bit. Not without failing– again.
What are your thoughts? Have you made a life-long change you need to make but didn’t want to? How did you DO that?