CC writes a very raw personal blog at Not Your Single Mama about life after being married to a meth addict and raising her 10 year old daughter, the PIT (princess/punk in training). So raw, in fact, she gets her very own Single Parent Stories header with bonus Parental Advisory sticker on it. 🙂 Here is her incredible story.
I can’t say exactly when my journey to motherhood began. I mean obviously there’s pregnancy, that’s a start- but the start of the roller coaster that is pregnancy which is a walk in the park compared to the unexpected tsunami of reality my life had once become but we’ll get to that eventually.
(I’m an expert random rambler. Enjoy.)
The reason I can’t say when my journey to motherhood began is because I was never going to have kids. I was never going to get married. I was also 17 and an absolute clueless know it all snot with a weakness for a bad boy.
(Teens, pay attention. Now is not the time to convince yourself they’re THE ONE. You’re a teenager. You should feel butterflies in your belly, not babies. TLC once said “protection is the priority”. It still is bitches, wrap it up. End random rant #1)
Turns out, you don’t know shit when you’re 17. I thank God every day for that simple fact. Also turns out that bad boys who choose to live the thug life, are not always the best long term partners. Prison doesn’t pay your child support bitches.
Why am I talking about the 17 year old me if I wasn’t a teen mom? Because, that’s technically where all of this began.
I was 17 when I met my future ex-husband and at one time, we were so in love it was intoxicating. We made plans for our life together…we bought a car, a cute house with lots of windows, we got an adorable puppy I named Sir Winston Duke, we talked about someday raising kids together, building the kind of life for our children that we had wanted….
We had plans, dreams, goals… none of which included meth addiction, affairs, and abuse but that is where shit once ended up. I wrote about my life with a meth addicted he-whore of a husband once. I typed it all from my phone, emailed it to myself and eventually started my therapy, aka my blog. I only tell you this because if you want the details, you’ll have to go there to get them. I wrote it, published it and never read it again. I felt a huge relief when I got that story out of my head where it constantly played over and over like a broken record, wearing me down daily.
I’ll give you the short version.
It was 9-11-01 the first time I saw her little heartbeat on the screen. I bawled with joy, awe and fucking fear. I was 22 when my daughter was born. She was 2 days old when I brought her home, kicked my so-called husband the fuck out and cried my eyes out, cradling my baby in my arms, apologizing to her over and over again,
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m so sorry. This isn’t what I meant it to be”
What it is should never be.
Except when it is.
Then it simply is what it is.
At the time I apologized not knowing, not trusting, that even though things were clearly falling apart, they were falling perfectly into place. A place I never imagined.
Fast forward ten years… welcome to the perfect chaos that is my present life. It’s still just me and the PIT, plus 10 years’ experience and 1 crazy ass bastardcat. I never remarried, I’m not even open to the idea right now, and I’m in absolutely no hurry to redo any part of my life as a Mrs. as I did it all wrong the first time round. Since I went from a meth addict to an abusive alcoholic to a married man, I don’t date. I don’t know how and honestly, I don’t want to. Maybe my mind is warped, haha ok, it SO is, but to me dating seems like a charade….
You know what? Let’s stick to the topic- single parenting, not “the thousands of excuses CC has for not ever dating or even leaving her house”. I should really keep that shit on my own domain.
As I was saying, I tried marriage and failed, I tried dating and failed. I’ve been on my own for long enough now to realize I didn’t do it wrong; when I love…I love with all my heart and soul. That’s the way you should love. Fierce. The trick is knowing who is worthy of your fierce love because even the fiercest love can’t make them love you like that back.
I haven’t mastered the art of knowing yet. At first, to protect myself, I’d just shove everyone away. “I’m fine. I got this shit” I’d tell em. If they didn’t leave, I’d get simply vicious and without a doubt, I’d drive them right out of my life. I couldn’t let anyone in my life without it directly affecting the PIT so…I just didn’t. I don’t. I’m better than I was 10 years ago. I’ve met people. Awesome people who have helped me tremendously once I let them. People who have re-established my faith in loyalty and friendship. People who GET me….that helps when you’re as insanely difficult to be around.
I bet this will be the last time Mutant Supermodel asks for my opinion as I cannot stay on track to save my ass (Editor’s Note: I like your off-track, on-again-track just fine).
So basically, I’m still a single mom. I have been since day one. Some days…it fucking blows goats. Other days…there is nothing greater. It’s a roller coaster to say the least. Ten years later, I can say with confidence, Hang in there mamas. Keep those heads up. You’ll see why…all your hard work, sleepless nights, tears and fears are going to grow up into a phenomenal human being…because of YOU.
You’d think that after ten years of this I’d have some solid advice or wise words but I don’t. I don’t have any idea what I’m doing here. In all honesty, none of us do. The ones claiming to know it all are assholes and probably childless. People have ALL the answers till the kid falls out their vaginas.
Then shit gets real.
People like me are too lazy to bullshit & prefer to keep things real.
Parenting, single or not, is a hard fucking job. One that should be taken seriously but not too seriously or neither of you will enjoy it. The PIT is a good kid, a damn good kid and people ask me “How’d you get a kid who’s so polite and well behaved when you’re so…”
I’ll tell you how.
I raised her and I take my parenting responsibility very serious but rarely ever to never take myself serious.
We laugh, a lot.
We play, we learn, we are a team yet I am still very much Mom and she knows it. I am without argument, a bitch.
I struggle with depression and anxiety daily. The stress and pressures of being a single parent fuel that fire but over time I’ve learned to channel some of the frustration into motivation. There’s Xanax and good friends for the rest.
It’s utterly mind blowing to think back to where I was when I was given the greatest job I never knew I wanted, to where I am now……it’s still the greatest fucking job EVER and I am honored to have this beautiful little person call ME “mama”.
I leave you with this, the three most important things I’ve learned over the past 10 years are simply this:
- Laughter really is the best medicine
- Love (as in a parental kind of love) will conquer
- When shit is falling apart, give it a minute… shit might just be falling into place.
Remember that being a single parent doesn’t mean being alone. There are A LOT of us out here…reach out. And if you think you fucked up….spend an hour over at NYASM and you will see you are not alone….I have fucked a lot of shit up…a.lot.