Note From Home

I’m doing something I just don’t do much– blogging from home. It’s just shy of 10:30 on a Tuesday night. Tuesdays are just haggard days for me. And with school being out and summer camp being in, any semblance I had of a routine is just wrecked. And I’m sitting here wasted (not in an alcoholic sense). I’m looking around and I’m seeing the symptoms of life getting messy again– the piles are coming back.

Over there, on the love seat, two laundry baskets piled on top of each other and next to them a pile of my socks. On the sofa next to it there are about five or six piles of washed and folded laundry. On my desk there are no less than five piles that are slowly but surely creeping towards each other in anticipation of a sexy pile orgy. The dinner table has many tiny little piles cropping up– piles of napkins and papers and place mats and things. I can peer into the kitchen from here and see the piles in the sink and on the counters.

When I have a system in place, everything works. Things get done. Things aren’t forgotten, or lost. Can you believe I lost a $50 check? I got it in the mail for taking a phone survey and I am 99% sure I mistakenly grabbed it with the pile of mail to throw away. I don’t have the info for the company that did it so I can request they stop payment on it and issue another. Fifty bucks. Poof.

And yes, I’m frustrated with myself because this is a constant cycle I can’t seem to break. I get a groove and then I lose it within a matter of days and getting back into it is so difficult for me.

Why?

No, I’m asking you. Why?

I had a stupid mini pity party for myself after dinner. When I’m exhausted, I’m more vulnerable to them and the yucky voice of negativity. And I’m too tired to stop it so it just steamrolls right over my feeble protests.

No one appreciates you. You give and you give and you’re going to give until there’s nothing left and that’s the way it is because that’s how people are. And you’re stupid enough to keep giving in, to keep getting involved with people and their problems even though you know you’re going to give more than you can and there’s going to be zero reciprocation.

Stuff like that. Plain lies. And the tears. The fat, slow, silly tears and the crying that fills my nose with snot and makes everything taste like cardboard. Until the crying stops. I’m not a slow stopper. I sort of just do. I can’t force it to happen but when I’m ready to really stop, I just have to take a deep breath and usually that does it. Taking deep breaths when I’m not really ready to stop just makes me pause and then usually brings on bigger and louder and wetter cries than the ones before.

And now I’m here, typing out the pity party so at least it’s not in my brain bouncing around anymore. It’s here on the operating table under the white lights so I can poke around in it and see what I find. Mostly garbage but maybe there’s something useful in it all. You never know.

It’s not the piles that bother me. I feel like I need to clarify that. It’s not what they are that bothers me. It’s that they exist that bother me because it’s what they represent that eats at me. The piles are present when there are problems. When gremlins appear in the machine. Big or small, it doesn’t matter.

I know they’re there because I lost my groove. I know they’re there because routines are disturbed. I know they’re there because there are disturbances in the force. And that’s what bothers me.

I’m tired of disturbances in the force.

I’m tired of choppy seas. Even a light chop is just too much for my weather-beaten boat. It’s not that I’m in a sinking ship. I’m more in a really unsteady one with a few holes in it. And yes I can keep the holes under control and I can even get the ship in line and get some smooth sailing out of her for a bit. But inevitably something happens. A new tiny hole pops open, or an old one starts leaking again. A storm brews and tosses me around, pounding me with waves and winds. And during those things, the sailing is choppy and unsteady. Sometimes, I’m even pushed off-course. And then it’s double the work, double the time to get it fixed and steady again.

So I guess that’s what I’m dealing with right now. I don’t see any kind of storm brewing, but there are small leaks in the ship and I’ve got to get them under control. I’m just too exhausted to do it right now.

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15 thoughts on “Note From Home

  1. Try and get some rest. Its really hard to deal with anything when you are exhausted..and believe me you sound exhausted. We all make mistakes, it happens. I am still looking for a gift card that I put somewhere safe after Christmas..yup..still cant find it.

    I wish I could say it will all be perfect but I can say it will get better. You are strong..remember that

    Reply
    • You’re right on the exhaustion thing. Funny how clearly some things come across you know? I have had the kids with me way more often than usual the past couple of months and as much as they’re awesome to hang with, it’s exhausting too. Thanks for the reminder, you’re the bomb

      Reply
  2. ❀ I hope you feel better soon! if you want we can have a bloggers meeting and cry in the dark! πŸ™‚ we can blog and cry in the dark! and maybe watch a zombie movie! when i feel like shit i watch bridezillas and i feel much better after! those bitches are crazy!

    Take care!!!

    Reply
  3. *hug*

    Can you get your kids to help out more? I love doing laundry because when I grew up it was a bonding activity with my mom. My five year old is currently experiencing the same sort of bonding (my mom didn’t start me until I was 7, but if you’re not fussy about how well things get folded and put away, apparently you can start younger). I did do table clearing starting at 4 or 5, and we have DC empty the silverware in the dishwasher now. My parents spent a good deal of time living apart because of their job situations and as kids we knew we had to help out in any way possible so that my mom could get work done and the family could function as a unit.

    That really sucks about the check. I hate it when I do things like that.

    Reply
    • I actually do have the kids help around the house quite a bit. They set and clear the table. Sometimes I have my daughter put away the silverware and the kids’ dishes and cups. She likes to help me wash pots and pans. Funny enough I was just thinking it’s time to teach my oldest how to wash laundry. It’s pretty simple. And my youngest likes to help me match socks. All three put away their laundry where it goes when I tell them to.

      Reply
  4. This will pass. I know it can be controversial to say this, but sometimes I feel like I am ruled by my hormones. I’m a bit older than you and in perimenopause, though, so when I get really angsty and overwhelmed feeling, it’s pretty easy to figure out where I’m at in the month. (Although part of perimenopause is the surprise factor, too: 18 day cycles, 30 day cycles, 25 day cycles, no day cycles….it’s all over the map, woo hoo!) Rest, hydration (remember that?!), decent meals, and a good multivitamin (to fill in what you may be missing) can really help get you through the rough spots.

    And I was going to add just what nicoleandmaggie said: maybe your kids (or at least the oldest) can help by folding laundry and doing a bit more around the house. I was expected to do chores like dusting at my grandmother’s house when I was about 6 or 7. I was probably about the same age when I started washing dishes at home by hand and clean the bathroom. I think vacuuming started a bit later since the machine we used was a heavy beast and not easy for a child to handle, but I did have to wash the bathroom floor on hands and knees as part of the weekly bathroom cleaning chore.

    Reply
    • I really do feel you on the hormones and when I feel like this I usually take a glance at the birth control pills to see where I’m at. This time, it’s not hormonal but I’m willing to bet it’s just a lack of proper rest and other self-care. HYDRATION! I am trying so hard to keep that one going.

      Reply
  5. Oh girl. I know exactly what you write of…it will get better soon before the next cycle hits; they come far too often. xo

    Reply
  6. This is not a fun cycle to go through at all….where you know things will get better but it’s soo hard to see that they will. And even when they do you know its just a matter of time until the next thing hits. Ugh. I feel for you. Stay strong…this too shall pass πŸ™‚

    Reply
  7. There is very little I can say on this because while I know all about being tossed around by schedules going out the window because of summer or illnesses (or moving like 4000 miles lol) I don\’t have an answer because I am at home. I can say though, that I allow myself to feel more defeated when I\’m not getting enough sleep and I know it\’s so much easier for me to say \’you really should rest up\’ than for you to actually get some more rest, but I bet it would help as you get your groove back. πŸ™‚

    **hugs**

    Reply

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