I’m doing something I just don’t do much– blogging from home. It’s just shy of 10:30 on a Tuesday night. Tuesdays are just haggard days for me. And with school being out and summer camp being in, any semblance I had of a routine is just wrecked. And I’m sitting here wasted (not in an alcoholic sense). I’m looking around and I’m seeing the symptoms of life getting messy again– the piles are coming back.
Over there, on the love seat, two laundry baskets piled on top of each other and next to them a pile of my socks. On the sofa next to it there are about five or six piles of washed and folded laundry. On my desk there are no less than five piles that are slowly but surely creeping towards each other in anticipation of a sexy pile orgy. The dinner table has many tiny little piles cropping up– piles of napkins and papers and place mats and things. I can peer into the kitchen from here and see the piles in the sink and on the counters.
When I have a system in place, everything works. Things get done. Things aren’t forgotten, or lost. Can you believe I lost a $50 check? I got it in the mail for taking a phone survey and I am 99% sure I mistakenly grabbed it with the pile of mail to throw away. I don’t have the info for the company that did it so I can request they stop payment on it and issue another. Fifty bucks. Poof.
And yes, I’m frustrated with myself because this is a constant cycle I can’t seem to break. I get a groove and then I lose it within a matter of days and getting back into it is so difficult for me.
No, I’m asking you. Why?
I had a stupid mini pity party for myself after dinner. When I’m exhausted, I’m more vulnerable to them and the yucky voice of negativity. And I’m too tired to stop it so it just steamrolls right over my feeble protests.
No one appreciates you. You give and you give and you’re going to give until there’s nothing left and that’s the way it is because that’s how people are. And you’re stupid enough to keep giving in, to keep getting involved with people and their problems even though you know you’re going to give more than you can and there’s going to be zero reciprocation.
Stuff like that. Plain lies. And the tears. The fat, slow, silly tears and the crying that fills my nose with snot and makes everything taste like cardboard. Until the crying stops. I’m not a slow stopper. I sort of just do. I can’t force it to happen but when I’m ready to really stop, I just have to take a deep breath and usually that does it. Taking deep breaths when I’m not really ready to stop just makes me pause and then usually brings on bigger and louder and wetter cries than the ones before.
And now I’m here, typing out the pity party so at least it’s not in my brain bouncing around anymore. It’s here on the operating table under the white lights so I can poke around in it and see what I find. Mostly garbage but maybe there’s something useful in it all. You never know.
It’s not the piles that bother me. I feel like I need to clarify that. It’s not what they are that bothers me. It’s that they exist that bother me because it’s what they represent that eats at me. The piles are present when there are problems. When gremlins appear in the machine. Big or small, it doesn’t matter.
I know they’re there because I lost my groove. I know they’re there because routines are disturbed. I know they’re there because there are disturbances in the force. And that’s what bothers me.
I’m tired of disturbances in the force.
I’m tired of choppy seas. Even a light chop is just too much for my weather-beaten boat. It’s not that I’m in a sinking ship. I’m more in a really unsteady one with a few holes in it. And yes I can keep the holes under control and I can even get the ship in line and get some smooth sailing out of her for a bit. But inevitably something happens. A new tiny hole pops open, or an old one starts leaking again. A storm brews and tosses me around, pounding me with waves and winds. And during those things, the sailing is choppy and unsteady. Sometimes, I’m even pushed off-course. And then it’s double the work, double the time to get it fixed and steady again.
So I guess that’s what I’m dealing with right now. I don’t see any kind of storm brewing, but there are small leaks in the ship and I’ve got to get them under control. I’m just too exhausted to do it right now.