I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I feel like I’ve been hit by a car. I feel like my brain has short-circuited. I feel worn out. I feel ragged. I feel like I could sleep three days straight and it would still not be enough.
If you’re a regular reader here, you may have noticed a dip in the frequency I’ve been posting despite the fact I am now in possession of a smart phone, wireless internet, and a functional laptop. The thing is in order to make use of any of these wonderful things quite effectively, you have to be functional.
Lately, work has been incredibly demanding and has sucked me dry of about 85% of my day-to-day functionality. Meanwhile, the kids continue to suck me dry of 45% of my day-to-day functionality. And to top it all off, for the first time in my life I have been suffering from seasonal allergies since about June which can suck anywhere from 5-15% of my day-to-day functionality depending on the severity of the day’s attack.
No, that’s not a mistake.
I’m running a deficit. A big one.
Debt, debt, debt. It’s such a popular word these days. The national debt. Credit card debt. Consumer debt. Student debt. Debt, debt, debt.
And yet for me the biggest most gigantic debt is just plain energy debt.
I’m here and I’m forcing myself to post this because that’s the only way I am getting things done these days– by force. I force myself through my work day waving different carrots: “Ok if you finish this deposit, you can read a few more pages of The Iron Duke. Ok fine, you can read some more pages from The Iron Dukewhile you make these copies. Ok if you finish three more of these deposits, you can go to lunch AND read The Iron Dukeon break.”
And because of how chaotic things are, I am working longer hours and coming in on days I’d usually have off. So the days I do have off for real, I am rushing to squeeze in as many things as possible because who knows when there will be another chance?
The devastating undercurrent to all of this is sleep deprivation. I cannot remember the last time I got a full, uninterrupted night of sleep that lasted more than three to four hours.
Last night has become typical in the overall scheme of my regular nights.
Postponed bedtime. Last night, I decided my nape piercing had to go. It was infected again. My kids made me wince when they’d lovingly throw their hands around my neck in a big hug. And when I saw it in the mirror, it was scary– not pretty. Swollen. Red. Angry. This is not what I got a nape piercing for.
So I decided I had to take it out which was MUCH more painful than getting it in. Well, apparently removing it caused some bruising and the swelling was still present so I stayed up applying ice (and reading The Iron Duke) until I felt my hands stop shaking from the pain and until I felt confident I had done all I could do to help the healing process. I ended up heading for bed around 1 in the morning.
Interrupted Sleep. And then, Baby woke up about four different times crying and coughing. I’m not sure if he’s battling allergies too or just some cold but it’s made him pretty difficult to deal with. Nighttime is worse. He kept waking up the minute I had just dozed off. I gave him the cough medicine safe for little ones. I gave him water. I gave him Motrin because he was screaming his mouth hurt. I took him to go pee. Finally, I had to force myself to sit in a chair in his room until he was passed out. Only to be woken up later by a notification on my new phone because I’d forgotten to turn off the notification sound. To then have my alarm go off at 5:50 in the morning.
At least this time I didn’t have to deal with the kitten crying. Or with being too hot. Or with being too cold.
This pattern repeats itself every night without fail. And it’s been doing so for weeks. Why? I have no idea.
My spending tracking has really slowed down and has become pretty shoddy. I try and update when I remember but I’m pretty sure a few things have slipped through the craps and updates have become something I do every now and then. Before, I would update it constantly. This already caused an overdraft on my account and I haven’t even had a moment to fix it with a deposit of money I have.
I’m expecting another month like this.
Insane stress at work. Low levels of sleep. Insanity with the kids who can probably feel my stress and exhaustion and raggedness keener than anyone else. And I am trying so hard to spare them that. I force myself to keep trying to breathe, breathe, breathe. Hug them, Mutant. Smell them. Squeeze them. Kiss them. Laugh with them. Eat junk food with them. Be present with them in the moment- every moment because it’s going and going and going so freaking fast.
But kids aren’t well-behaved all of the time. Sometimes, they’re downright out of hand. And then I have to be tough and the disciplinarian and am ripped suddenly from a cozy haven of cuddling and smiling and playing and obeying to a WTF is going on here and who are these insane violent screeching monsters alternate universe.
I’ll probably collapse. And resuscitate a bit for the holidays. And then go insane on a family road trip I’ve planned.
And then maybe I can relax. After all of that. But I’m sure I’ll be back to myself before that.
At least, I hope so. And in the meanwhile, I can keep forcing myself to do things with promises of pages from The Parasol Protectorate series that’s been here since my birthday last month.
How are you doing? Upbeat and full of life? Barely functioning? Running as usual? Am I going to survive?