Seeking Peace and Calm

A few weeks ago, I changed birth control methods from NuvaRing to Previfem—a generic birth control pill. I did this, initially, for the cost-benefit. My co-pay on NuvaRing was $55 and Previfem is only $10 a month and I can get a 90 day supply for only $25. I knew with the cell phone’s ability to create a daily alarm I’d never skip a day so it just didn’t seem to make much sense to spend so much more money for convenience’s sake.

I was totally scared of the pill for one reason—I remember how crazy it used to make me years and years ago. There were days I felt absolutely bipolar and considering I was already feeling this way on the NuvaRing, I anticipated a pretty insane ride. But I figured I’d try it out and see what happened.

Oddly enough, I think there has been a change—for the better. The week and a half or so before I’m due for my period are usually my absolute worst. This isn’t an imagined thing either. I actually noticed it coming through in my journals and my blog. I’d look at the sad and defeated posts and sure enough they fell in the same time frame every time.

This month, I’m yet to feel that crushing depression. I’ve been a bit weepy and had one bad day last week where I felt frustrated with myself but it’s been nothing like what I’ve been experiencing monthly. I’m hesitant to celebrate this observation too much because this is only the first few weeks on the pill. Who knows what’s to come, right?

Right now, I’m in this mood where I’m actively seeking calm and peace. I’m trying to make a concerted effort to get rid of negative thinking. It’s not too bad, but it takes mindfulness.

Last night, as I watched the kids deteriorate after a really hectic, fun, and frantic weekend I marveled at their lack of exhaustion. Yes, they got cranky. But it’s really rare to hear them say, “Mom, I’m tired” even if that’s exactly what they are. And I wondered about that. Are kids actually inexhaustible or is it that they convince themselves they’re not tired because if they admit they are they’ll be sentenced to bed?

Makes you wonder, no?

Somewhere we switch from dreading our beds to anticipating them. I wonder what’s a better approach? I think I need to dump my bed. Or at least pick a fight with it. At the very least, I really need to stop saying “I’m so tired” all of the time.

Money-wise I’m also trying to stay positive. Financially speaking I’m not horribly off. I could be, and have been, in far worse situations. I’ve done a good job of fixing things and I’m not going to change that approach. I have to have more confidence in myself that I know what I’m doing and I’m not going to derail it even if I do something as stupid as paying a bill from an empty account because I forgot to change the information from the last payment.

Confidence. Peace. Calm.

These things are inside me. I just need to tap into them a bit more.

How was your weekend? What are you working on this week?


8 thoughts on “Seeking Peace and Calm

  1. I went off hormonal birth control when I was 36. I knew I didn’t want to have kids so I had a tubal ligation. For many years everything was fine, but now that I’m getting into perimenopause I’m having more problems with moodiness every month. I really don’t want to get back on hormones, but at times I can completely understand why people do it.

    Bed…last year I bought a Tempurpedic bed with my tax refund. I so love my bed now that I spend a lot of time just lounging in it. A comfy bed, a laptop, and a good wireless connection make for a lovely evening. 🙂

    Glad to hear you’re feeling better!

    • My laptop is currently broken which is probably a good thing!!

      I hate hormones too and I hate admitting they have so much sway but it is what it is. To deny it is laughable. I’m just shocked the pill has me this balanced. Everyone assumed the Nuvaring would be better because it’s low-dose. Maybe my problem is the opposite. So complicated. I don’t care as long as I’m stable and not on something else.

    • Yes!! And I think it’s the way to go. I’m trying it. I keep catching myself and rephrasing things. “I’m not tired but I’ve done a lot of work around the house, it’s after ten, and I have to be up at 6. Now would be a good time to go to bed.” I used to do that automatically. I don’t know what changed, when it changed, or how it changed, but I’d love to change it back.

  2. There’s something wrong with my youngest. He ALWAYS wants to go to bed early. Relatively early that is. I’ve never once had to tell him that it was time for bed. He’s the one telling me most of the time. And he won’t go to bed unless I go to bed too. Then he tries to make me promise to wake him up when I get up which is usually around 5 a.m. thanks to daylight savings time and a northern climate and no room-darkening blinds.

    I never have to nag him to do anything either. I’ve honestly never seen another kid like this that doesn’t procrastinate at all. That he did not get from his mom – or his dad for that matter. 🙂

    I know what you mean about the hormones. This last month we had rain and grey skies for a few days – so I had the triple whammy of perimenopause hormones, SAD and am still anemic from the never-ending TOM. I was walking my dog in the rain and crying for no reason other than vague existential sadness. Fortunately the rain hides tears. 🙂 But it disappeared once the sun came out again a couple of days later. You’d think by now I’d learn to go to a damn tanning booth when that happens. Were you hormonal when you were pregnant too or just on the pill?

    • Your youngest is AWESOME. That’s so cool. I’d feel so strange if one of my kids was like that.

      When I was pregnant I was a disaster. I mean, a total and complete depressed vortex of darkness and doom and gloom. I’m glad I’m not the only one even though it does suck to know that this happens and happens forever. I’m really trying to keep the brain filled with positivity.

      • I don’t know why, but for me it’s a good thing to know that it’s a physical phenomenon and it will pass. I just don’t take it quite so seriously then and get down and wallow in the mud with it. 🙂

        I was a basket case when pregnant as well. I recall telling my ex “one of us has to be thinking logically here – cuz it’s NOT ME – so step up to the plate for god’s sake because I’m drowning here!”

        I recall reading a book a number of years ago but can’t recall the title. Anyway, the lady that wrote it had quite severe bipolar issues. She said something in there that has stuck with me all these years – that she had to remind herself every morning that she did have some choice in how she felt and she chose to be as happy as possible. Eventually it becomes a habitual way of thinking it seems, which could also get kind of annoying I imagine. 😉

  3. Pingback: I sit here blogging « MutantSupermodel

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