Today’s Wednesday and I’m supposed to show you my WIP except my camera’s gone missing. So, instead of showing you, I will tell you that I am working on this pretty little doll also from Milky Robot. This is the second pattern I’d won on her giveaway post. One panda is complete (you’ll see him Friday if the camera turns up) and the other panda is 80% complete. The patterns are crystal clear and easy to follow. They’re not inundated with pictures but you’re not left unsure what the heck you’re supposed to do. My panda doesn’t look like her panda but I went with a very different approach facially and I’m still not great at sewing all of the parts together (you’ll see what I mean).
Something else I’ve been working on is de-cluttering of course. I’m on a year-long mission to go through my house space by space and purge, clean, and organize. So many changes already, and it’s still so early in the year. There is definitely a lot of truth to the idea one can only handle so much stuff. The less there is, the easier it is to keep neat and tidy even with three
mini godzillas precious angels running around. This week, I got a couple of boxes my grandmother had in her garage that were mine and started picking through those. One was full of photos—old photos. Photos from before Ex and I separated. Sorting through the pictures, and chucking so very many away, made me realize a few things.
Uno. He really did/does have an alcohol issue. Just because you’re a mostly functional alcoholic, doesn’t mean you’re not an alcoholic. Most of the photos he’s in feature him holding some sort of alcoholic beverage, or passed out behind a row of bottles, or show boxes of beer in the background. He needed a drink every day and didn’t care what it was. I remember on days we didn’t have beer or wine or mixers, he’d pour himself a glass of straight vodka on ice and drink that—usually more than just one.
Dos. We were really, really young (I was also super skinny holy crap), quite foolish, and badly misguided. He really did not want the family life. It’s obvious in the photos too. So many of the photos that have him with one of the kids, it’s with him on the sofa, looking away from the camera at the TV, with a kid on his lap or next to him. There’s one where Eldest was just a little fat infant and he was smashing his nose and the face Ex was making… just total annoyance and irritation. It hurt to see that. When he was looking at the camera, he was usually frowning or deadpan. The only exceptions to these photos are family, friend, and group photos. In other words, he was only happy being a family man when others were watching.
Tres. I really don’t make a bad mom or even wife or even friend. I know I made some mistakes, but I also admit I was really young and really scared about what was going on. I was also stubborn and likely suffering from post-partum but too proud to seek professional help. And yet, I saw in so many pictures all of the handmade cards I’d made him and the kids. You should’ve seen all of the cakes and treats I used to make for birthdays and holidays. When it comes to people I care about, I’ve always made a concerted effort to spoil them rotten—even if the favor is unreturned.
I’ve done a lot of purging this month of really old things tied with lots of emotions. It sucks while at the same time soothes. But, it really is very easy to get rid of things when you’re in a world of hurt. I reduced three big plastic bins of my old keepsakes down to one. I whittled down two overflowing photo boxes to one with a bit of room. I know I can do more and get rid of even more, but it’s also tiring and in the case of photos, tedious. So, I’ve made my first round and I know that when it’s time to get into the living room, I need to make organizing photos a project. But, I’ve got a great start and even found two empty photo albums.
Meanwhile, I am not reading anything at the moment which is just crazy considering the insane pace I’ve been keeping. I have finished Outlander (fun) and Organizing from the Inside Out (meh). I just can’t decide which book to read next from the several I have available to me. But, it does feel quite good to be reading voraciously again and I’ve decided to revise my reading goal after all. Initially, I’d set my brain to read eleven books and crochet eleven projects this year. I’ve read sixteen books already and we’re not even done with March. So, I’m going to go with 60 books as my new challenge because challenges are supposed to be challenging. At first, I was thinking 48 but then I was like, “Hey! Stop being such a wussy book worm, nerd!” and I changed it. So, for the love of Shakespeare, please send book suggestions my way. I’ve found several other book worm bloggers that I’m following and am blatantly stealing ideas from them but they may not be enough! I also pillaged Time’s list of 100 best English language novels and took my first round of picks from there as well. Although I do have a page here entitled Books I’d like to Read, I’ll probably keep it to about ten to fifteen titles long. The majority of my “to read” list is on Goodreads (sorry NicoleandMaggie).
Tomorrow’s the big day. I did talk to Ex yesterday and he’s definitely not going to the hearing which is a relief for me. He’s also making some sort of payment today, but I suspect it will only be half what he’d promised me. I’ll enter the final amount he’s in arrears for tomorrow with the income garnishment. I just don’t think he’s going to ever catch up otherwise. Because it’s half, I don’t have to borrow money from my parents, but I’m not sure I’ll have a very good rollover for next month. Since he’s starting a new job in the next few days, I am sure there’s going to be income issues as there’s always one delay or another with a new job’s first paychecks.
I just keep chanting “It’s almost over” between deep and steady breaths alternated with stuffing junk food in my mouth.
Last night, I made Peanut Butter Cookies—from scratch. That’s right: this working single mom of three made cookies from scratch on a weeknight. And they were delicious. Even my Mom said they were and even Abuela said they were ok (she actually said they were “rico” but very begrudgingly). The other night, I asked my mom if she had any good general reference cookbooks she didn’t really use anymore that I might borrow (forever, sorry Mom) and she brought me two. These might really get me going in the kitchen. It’s nice to have a couple of big books like this. There’s options, but not too many options that you’re overwhelmed like what happens when I do recipe searches online. They’re reputable cookbooks and I really love working with a recipe. The cookies were made with a recipe from the ever classic Joy of Cooking. I had all of the ingredients on hand. It turns out, I enjoy baking. I was reminded of this while looking through those old pictures too.
Maybe I’ll have a Divorce is Sweet Dessert Party.