I think we can all agree it generally requires effort of some sort of degree to keep a positive outlook. Alas, I’m starting to crumble up a bit today. I’ve been sick for days and stressed about money and I’m just tired of propelling myself forward. It’s moments like these where I think it sure would be nice to have someone to pick me up, dust me off, and get me going again. Is that fair though? If I even had someone with that ability, would it be right to call on it? I don’t even know anymore.
This is the third post I’ve written today. The others went badly and got trashed. Sometimes, it’s not a good idea to have a particular topic mind. At least, not when it’s something that sits a bit too close to the heart. At least, not when you’re not at peak performance levels.
I bought some flowers at the farmer’s market today. There’s one that comes to the campus every Thursday. I found a nice man with lots of small flowers at $2.50 each plant. I bought three: two varieties of impatiens and a black petunia. I love the black petunias. I fantasize that it might be gorgeous to deck my entire window sill with these deliciously gothic flowers and occasionally pop in something with bright color. It might be interesting. I intend to share photos with you of my new plant friends, but apparently my camera got stuck to the dining room table again so that will have to wait until tomorrow. I also picked up my repaired boots. They are now equipped with brand new heel tip things.
I went to the farmer’s market because I had been crying in my office. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried at work. I’d love to tell you exactly what it was that brought it on but I’m not sure really other than an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, doom, and gloom. I felt that maybe I just needed to leave this space and let the gloominess evaporate. So, I walked to the farmer’s market. I was tempted by miniature roses but didn’t quite feel like spending $7 on one tiny plant that didn’t even have a fragrance. Another woman had large orchids for $10. I was tempted by those too but they seemed a bit too… pretentious. I don’t know why. I have orchids. I love orchids. They’re strange and fascinating things but today they just seemed demanding and snobby. I had given up when I found the nice old man at the very end. I intend on visiting him often. His booth was packed with small, colorful, very unpretentious little flowers. The kinds that you know aren’t going to really last much but they’re not very expensive and needy and they do sport quite a bit of much needed cheer, you know?
Silly to ramble on about something like flowers. But, this is how you do it, didn’t you know? This is how you pull away from the chasm, the void. You fill your head with lightness. You think about empty little things and distract the heaviness with meaninglessness. When you start to think maybe there’s something big and large and vast and incomprehensible around and above you, you pull in and away and just focus on the surface. People who live like this permanently are easy to mock and ridicule. But, there’s nothing wrong with employing a bit of this technique to get yourself back on track. Listen to the right kinds of songs and skip the wrong ones. You arrange everything you can control into the right way you want it. You shut off the parts of the brain that are getting out of line and kick the others into high gear.
So, besides the fact I’m lonely, difficult, and a failure in many ways what else can we ponder, hmmm?
How inky and delicious Thin Mints are and how fun it’d be to make a Thin Mint milkshake with MutantEldest who simply adores Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.
How nice it’ll be to get that sofa into the other room, and have the desk and chair out of the office, of course. And how that will definitely free me up to get started on de-cluttering that nauseating closet.
How nice it’s been to have a clean kitchen! How much easier it is to maintain order than to create it.
Yes, there are lots of little things to distract myself with. My DS games (Big Brain Academy = Addicted). My books. My crochet. My house. Music. Even those seemingly tedious and boring things like budgets tracking spending are a welcome reprieve from the rest of my brain. Projects are wonderful. Thinking up projects is plenty distracting.
My head hurts. I want to sleep a hundred years.