“Blurry Tunnel Night” by 99% Meh
I have just finished reading the 125 blog updates made since I was last online Thursday, December 23 and I am trying so insanely hard to muster up a piece of the excitement and eagerness for this new year that I have run across repeatedly. But, 2011 feels like it has ambushed me. The easy thing to do would be to blame it on the fight with ExMutant that ended with his girlfriend exploding in the background yelling about how ridiculous this was and how I was such a f-bombing b-bomb. Despite the fact that ripped my anger wide open on the first day of the brand new year, it’s not the real reason I feel the way I do.
In short, I’m frustrated. Most blogs I’ve read have put together quite intriguing, interesting, and colorful reviews of 2010. Despite the fact I’m convinced 2010 was a good year for me and my family, I’m not sure how to substantiate that fact. The only thing I can think of is the change in jobs, but is that it? As a matter of fact, I honestly feel quite out of steam and have been feeling this way for several months. Where I feel like I started 2010 so eagerly and excitedly, desperate for the new beginning, this year I feel like I’m in shock. It’s over? 2010 is over? Already? 2011 is here? But how? How is 2011 here and I’m still technically married? How is 2011 here and I’m out of shape? How is 2011 here and my house upside down and inside out? How is 2011 here and so’s my debt? Did it even shrink? I want to say yes, of course it did, but I somehow have managed to not provide myself with any proof.
I feel so completely out of focus and frustrated. I just don’t know where to start. I know I have goals I’ve outlined before but they just don’t give me comfort or even make me feel like I’m on the right road. I’m trying to think of what the big goal is this year and I just…
Obviously, I need to get divorced. That’s going to happen this year no matter what. My lawyer told me he’ll file this month but I have to re-do one of the forms since I changed jobs. I can’t let 2012 get here and still be a married woman. I refuse. Like most big goals, this one stresses me out. I’m going to have to pay more stuff to the lawyer, I have to take a class, I have to go to a court and stand before a judge, etc. But I need my freedom!
Hand in hand with this is the simple fact I need to keep up the work on the finances. And unlike this year, I need a measuring stick to compare myself to so I can seriously keep myself on track. My debt currently stands at $21,446.02. This has been updated to include an outstanding car bill and money my ex owed my parents that I will be repaying them with additional money he is giving me. As it stands, I have eight debts listed on my spreadsheet. I am scheduled to pay off five of them by June 2011. August should be the month I send the last payment on the last credit card balance leaving me to voraciously attack my car and student loans.
I remain committed to reading at least eleven books in 2011 and crafting 11 projects in 2011 as well. I actually got started on The Girl Who Played with Fire last night as far as books go. I owe three Christmas presents that I’d like to make and I have that cape I absolutely positively must finish so that gives me four projects to work on this month alone. I don’t know if I can do it, honestly, but I’m really going to try. I crocheted like crazy in time for Christmas and got way more accomplished than I had ever dreamed. I’d like January to be as equally productive.
There are other smaller, less measurable things I want to achieve and this is where I get frustrated and fuzzy as I debate what is of a higher priority, what is actually attainable, what is representative of who I am, what is representative of some silly imaginary concept of who I am, etc. When you just let life happen, you usually end up with a tangled up sort of mess where you’re not sure where the real you ends and the imaginary you begins.
I guess what I’m trying to say is there is the type of woman I want to be and the type of woman I think I should want to be and it’s hard to separate the two. For example, I start to fantasize about Perfect Mutant and instantly I imagine a woman who constantly and happily cooks for her family. A woman who keeps a tidy and clean house. A woman who is infinitely patient with her young children, playing with them often, being affectionate always yet maintaining order. A woman who always looks her best and leads a healthy lifestyle. A woman who is financially independent. A woman who always makes the time to do things she enjoys too. A woman who stands up for herself, other people’s opinions be damned.
Some of those, I’m completely ok with. I’m sold. Yes, that is what I want. I want that very much. Others, I do want them but I’m clueless how to get there and am not even sure it’s entirely possible. Others, I’m not completely sold on. It’s sort of like my brain is saying “Yeah I guess I want that because that’s a good thing to want.” But I’m not into embracing it. It doesn’t feel entirely alluring or convincing to me. These are the things I have a hard time tackling. These are the things I have a hard time even understanding or forming some sort of plan for. Some of these things, I don’t even know why I yearn for them.
The first thing that pops into my head is the cooking thing. I hate the kitchen. I despise the kitchen. I hate pots and pans and the smell and the mess. I hate the splatters and the crumbs. And for what? A less than receptive audience that prefers playing with the food than eating it. It’s not gratifying for me at all. So that one I’m chalking up to my youth experiences and conventional expectations of mothers. I’ll get over it and am completely abandoning it by switching to a cantina service (dinner delivery) five days a week. My kids and I get variety, the food is healthy, and I don’t have to deal with the things I can’t stand. So the commitment on that one is to not lament it anymore. It’s gone.
But what about the rest of the things on the list? How much of that fantasized Mutant is really what I want? How badly do I want these things? Are these things worth working towards? How can I get there? What exactly is “there” anyways? When is the house clean enough? What is enough patience, affection, order? What does looking my best even look like and what does healthy really feel like? What does true financial independence look like for a single mom of three? How much time is enough time for me? What is the line between standing up for yourself and being selfish?
When people find out I blog, I’m often asked what my blog is about. Well, I guess I just answered that question. These are my goals for 2011 and these are the themes I’ll likely be wrestling with as the year goes on. There’s other stuff that’s bound to pop up here and there but for now, this is as good a summary as I’ve ever been able to devise– Divorce, Money, Me.