Today is turning out to be a very frustrating and stressful day for me for a very unusual reason: thinking. That's right, I am sitting here ready to vent and spew not because Baby keeps surprising me with exploding bowel movements or because first Daughter was home with a fever and now Eldest has followed suit. It is not because of the mess I ranted about yesterday or even the fact that I found out my short term disability checks are over instead of continuing on a reduced amount as I had been led to believe. I am sure that in one way or another those things are all responsible for today's very serious thinking but it really is the thinking that has me swaying in my seat (although Baby is adoring it), talking to my family, and tearing my nails. It's the thoughts that have me very wound up indeed. And the thoughts, as they often do, have a very innocent origin:
I think that Dane Cook explained this phenomenom most excellently in his stand-up show Vicious Circle where he says, and I quote:
"…she's preparing to say a comment, okay, she's got a comment on tap that she's gonna say, and it's the tiniest, it’s just a tic-tac sized comment. But this is a fucking detonater. And she's gonna say it, and it's gonna go deep into your cerebellum, and it's gonna sit there and at some point– three days later, 30 days later, it's going to explode, rotting you from within, I'm telling you now."
The Detonator Comment. Except in this case, it took all of 30 seconds to explode and it was not meant to harm as it was not in the context of a fight.
Let me back up a moment to clarify a very important point. I am not sure I want to be an attorney nor have I recently been considering pursuing law as a profession. However, the reason this has become a Detonator Comment is because of my initial gut reaction to that comment.
And that is where things went very stressful up in that head of mine as I thought things out and talked things out with my husband, with my sister in law, with my brother, and with my mother. It was the conversation with my mother that got my thoughts deep below the manageable surface into those murky self-exploration waters.So please bear with me as I drag you in with me and explain to you a bit about myself as I try and work it all out.
I am beginning to realize that I am a Door Closer. That I know of, this is not a proper term but it's the appropriate term. I close my own doors and I do it often– sometimes softly and regretably, other times with such force that it leaves me shaken. I think the first time I closed my own door in a possibly life-altering way was during College Applications Senior year in High School. It is stupid of me to pretend that I am not book smart. I graduated from high school with a GPA lots of students would kill for without even trying. I graduated from College with another great GPA and an academic award from my department even while being completely distracted by motherhood (I graduated from College in my ninth month of pregnancy with Daughter). I do very well on Standardized tests and I can write very well. I know these things, but it doesn't stop me from stopping myself.
I knew very much what I wanted to do after high school– study Journalism and/or Theater in New York, either at NYU or Syracuse. Working on my high school newspaper and being Editor-in-Chief are right up there as my fondest memories in high school next to directing and performing in school plays. However, when it came time to send off my applications, I capsized. I played off my parents' very reasonable concerns about the expense of what I wanted to do and convinced myself not only that I would definitely not get any types of scholarships at either school but that I would probably have a very hard time even getting in. I didn't even try. I threw away the application kits and applied to one school– Florida International University (the safe bet). I had so convinced myself of how average I was, I did not even apply at the University of Miami. I am quite sure that is one of my biggest regrets (despite the fact that I understand had I not embarked on the life I settled on, I would likely not have met Jay and would probably be living in a completely different can of worms). I really did a number on myself, convincing myself so deeply that I was average that I was shocked when FIU offered me a full paid scholarship of their own (in addition to one the State of Florida offered) and placed me in the Honors College.
Unfortunately, it seems that I have not learned my lesson. Over and over again I dismiss all kinds of possibilities as being beyond my reach or abilities. I have completely shelved the idea of making any money doing something I love (like reading and/or writing). I have convinced myself that I am never going to make $100K (unless adjusted for the price of inflation that becomes an "average" salary) and that I will never be my own boss.
The problem is, I am not happy with any of those convictions. I. Want. More. And for once in my life, I am perhaps coming to terms with the fact that to want more is not greedy or selfish when it comes to moving yourself forward. I am not looking to stab people in the back or overthrow deserving people in a quest for more money. I just want to do better for myself. I feel like I am wasting myself and in doing so I am letting down a lot of people, including my Future Self just like I am so disappointed in that High School me who gave up before even filling out the stupid application.
So I am going to do right by that girl. That forceful girl who until that point never settled. She did whatever the hell she wanted consequences be damned. I have made a few decisions that I hope will help me shape out my life because I am very unsettled by the future I see in my mental crystal ball (the only kind of crystal ball available these days). Or maybe it is better to say the future I do not see.
I am going to take the LSAT in December– to test the waters. I am going to see what it is like to study with three children around and while working full-time. I am going to see what the big scary deal is with the LSAT experience. And I am going to see if I do well enough that I could possibly get into a law school if I were to apply to one. I am not saying that I have decided to study law. I am not saying that I have decided to get into a particular law school. All I am saying is that I am going to take the LSAT in December. For some deep psychological reason I don't care to guess at writing and reading that terrifies me and makes me want to just run back and delete that sentence and slam that door shut. But I'm gritting my teeth and going ahead with it. LSAT. December.
The other part of this is that I am going to create another blog. It will be the blog I use to post more complete entries than is the norm here. Instead of a daily ramble, I am going to aim at weekly posts. They will be my chance to practice writing well again. They will be researched posts. I don't know that I will have a theme, although it could be possible that one evolves. I don't have it set up yet. I don't know where it will be and I am toying with names. Lavanotes is an ancient name of mine that seems to be tied to personal writing as it was the name I used in DiaryLand and has carried over to here. It's going to be a decision I think about and research lke the entries that will go in there. I do not want to lose the writer in me. I know that I am meant to write all of my life and possibly one day write something strong enough to make a name for myself.
I need to believe in myself the way that my family does. They all seem to know that I am meant to do bigger and better things in my life. I really want to believe that too even though it means a lot of responsibility and truly hard work– two things that I have always been terrified of. I need to embrace myself for what I really am and I think that may be a Juggernaut.
"There's a time when a man needs to fight and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny's lost, the ship has sailed and that only a fool will continue. The truth is I've always been a fool." – Big Fish