I have a lot on my mind so please bear with me. I'd like for this to be a long but thought out and organized post so I'm not going to try and just dive in but take it easy. However there IS the issue with the little baby who is currently asleep upstairs and will hopefully play nice so Mommy can do what she wants on here.
Lately I have been in a quite difficult state of mind. I've been feeling trapped, frustrated, overwhelmed, lonely, incredibly sad, guilty, insecure, and a slew of other quite negative emotions. I have had my happy moments but they feel erratic and unexpected and precisely that, moments. J has begun to question whether or not I am suffering from post-partum depression but I for one really don't think so. I'm pretty convinced that this is all rooted in my being quite disorganized and therefore I have allowed myself to become avalanched. I do think my hormones have some sort of role in this as truth be told I just haven't felt quite myself since I became pregnant with Daughter. I just don't think they are the source of the problems. I have always been disorganized and poor at time management. Maybe I feel as if all that time planning is better spent doing. However all that jumping into things always leads to my having several projects in progress and more of them are in the beginning stages than final stages– and no I'm not specifically talking about crafts and such things, I mean life in general but yes my crafts are a reflection of this as well. The past couple of weeks have been a complete struggle for me. It is hard to get things accomplished when you're not organized– add in a couple of young children to the mix and it seems, or at least I've discovered it is my experience, to equal a recipe for complete disaster and, more often than not, a setting up for failure. I feel as if I'm held together by thinning strings. In my heart I am an incredibly proud person and at times like this to the point of it being a fault. People often tell me they admire how I handle change but I assure that I am typically only comfortable with change intiated by myself. When change is thrown at me from forces outside of my control, I don't do well. My point is that I am not quite sure how to fix this. You see I am quite aware of what needs to happen– mostly, a tight schedule needs to be implemented; but, this is so outside of my comfort zone that I continue to put it off because I am quite sure I will fail at it and being a proud person it is incredibly hard for me to get back on the horse so to speak. I'd much rather give the horse a swift kick in the ass and walk away to sulk you see. The idea of a schedule is so completely foreign to me that I have no idea where to start. And it is so incredibly easy to create excuses to not just start. All of this annoys me very much. It also leads me to a completely different point. Because of all of this gloominess, I have had a horrid desire to read. Which if you knew my personal history it would make complete and total sense. You see I have always been an avid reader because it is, to me, an excellent way to escape. I am the person who completely becomes absorbed by a book. I could spend the entire day, morning to night, spread out somewhere turning one page after another. Maybe at some point I'll get up and walk, book in hand, to the kitchen for a drink and snack. That was me and so I've been dying to read. Today I was incredibly down and incredibly frustrated and sent myself upstairs to nap because, as I explained to my husband, I didn't like the way I was feeling. Sleep, by the way, was always another escape mode for me. Wow I sound so tame, don't I? When I woke up I ate some dinner and helped my husband with the kids and baths and bedtimes. And then I ran out the door to Barnes and Nobles. It didn't matter they'd close in only half an hour once I got there– I simply needed to see some books, maybe even buy some. Oh and also, I needed a Pumpkin Spice Latte a.k.a. heaven in a cup, from the in-store Starbucks.
Pulling into the Barnes & Nobles I was already feeling better. A parking lot usually overloaded with teens and whatnot was oddly empty and parking was not an issue, neither was possibly running over absent-minded pedestrians. I went to the magazine section and immediately found a copy of the new Home Companion which was another good omen. You see, in a fit of frustration not too long ago, I swept a pile of what I thought to be old magazines off the table and trashed them. Apparently the new issue of Home Companion was in there and I had promised my mother I'd give it to her because it had all sorts of Thanksgiving things in it and my mother loves Thanksgiving things. I was also pleasantly surprised by the array of knitting magazines and picked one up that featured some sweet baby booties. I can't remember what it was actually but I'll be sure to tell you in another post I'm sure. By this time I got off the phone with my very concerned mother and made it to the Starbucks about 15 minutes before they closed. I ordered my pumpkin spice latte and wandered back to the books. I've been roaming Amazon lately obsessed with a specific lady, Marie Antoinette. She is one of those subjects I've always wanted to read but when it comes to finding a book to read she escapes my mind. So I guess it's good that I keep seeing ads and horrible reviews of the Marie Antoinette movie because I finally remembered to look up some books on her on Amazon. You should know, by the way, I loathe borrowing books from the library for myself. I love books. I want to own books not borrow them. I want to posess them. Anyways, I found a couple of good and promising books on Marie in Amazon but one really intrigued me, Queen of Fashion: What Marie Antoinette Wore to the Revolution by Caroline Weber. Usually I'm patient and order my books on Amazon because their pricing is great and I sprang for the prime membership which grants me free two day shipping. But when I saw this in the biography section, I simply had to have it. So I chalked off the higher expense to the cost of therapy and also picked up a nearby copy of Augusten Burroughs' Running With Scissors. In the checkout lane, I picked up a copy of Mercer Mayer's There Are Monsters Everywhere for the kids in anticipation of Halloween (yay!).
On the quiet and slower than usual (it was raining) drive home, I thought about things and the way I felt and noticed how something so simple had instantly revived me. So J and I have worked out a plan to help us both be sane and happy. By the way, it is worth me mentioning that I felt it was crucial to include J in the reward process. J is, from what I've been told, not like a lot of working fathers. The fact is he is a tremendous help and honestly I know he'd do more if he was a little more confident in his handling of Daughter. Funny how something so small can be so intimidating to something so big, not unlike mice and elephants maybe? So every Tuesday when J comes home I am "off" and am free to do as I please sans children. On Thursday, when J clocks out of work he is "off" for the day as well and is free to do as he chooses. We have even managed to budget some funds for this specific day and I have made a personal rule that the money is to be spent only on that day and should not be spent online. The point is for me to get out of the house. I also figure I can save the money and treat myself on a future reward day to something bigger and yes I already have a goal in mind. Can you say Tokidoki? In addition to these personal days we've decided that the 17th of every month is date day. We have to do something together, childless, that day no matter what. Why the 17th? Our anniversary is January 17th. So whether it's simply my leaving the kids with my grandmother so I can join him for lunch, or watching a movie together when the kids are in bed, we have to celebrate our togetherness because to be honest that has taken a complete beating since Daughter has appeared.
After talking, we watched the new episode of The Office together. I love that show. Today was no exception. And then he went to bed and I went upstairs and started the hot water in the tub. I popped in a Tisty Tosty and closed the door while I ran around grabbing my new book, my towel, and my nightgown- oh and a glass of water. When I came back to the bathroom the whole room was rich with this totally delicious scent and I happily jumped in and started reading. I love the book so far. If you love fashion or even just clothes from a design and construction perspective you might seriously want to pick this up. Like all well written books it's making me think and not just about prancing, I'm sorry– gliding, around 18th century France in ginormous confections. More on this as the story unfolds. I've written enough for tonight.